When a Child Refuses Time with a Parent
When a Child Refuses Time with a Parent
If your child is refusing to spend time with you or the other parent, it can feel heartbreaking and overwhelming. It’s a situation that stirs intense emotions — confusion, hurt, frustration — but it’s also one that carries important legal responsibilities.
In Australia, parenting arrangements (whether by court order or agreement) are designed to promote a child’s best interests. A refusal to see a parent isn’t automatically accepted by the court, even when it’s coming directly from the child. This is because the law assumes that, where safe, children benefit from a meaningful relationship with both parents.
This guide will help you understand:
- Why a child might refuse time with a parent
- How the law views these situations
- Steps you can take to address the issue constructively
- Case law examples and lessons you can draw on
Why Children Refuse Time with a Parent
- Children rarely make decisions in isolation. A refusal to spend time with a parent is usually shaped by a mix of emotions, external influences, and lived experiences.
Emotional Adjustment to Separation
Divorce or separation can turn a child’s world upside down. They may still be grieving the family changes, feeling uncertain about the future, or trying to make sense of new living arrangements. Refusal can be their way of expressing distress or regaining some control.
The Law on Refusal
Children Cannot “Opt Out” Unilaterally.
In Australia, children under 18 don’t have the legal right to decide not to see a parent when there’s a valid parenting order in place. The responsibility to comply with the order rests with the parents — meaning you must take all reasonable steps to ensure the child attends the scheduled time.
Best Interests Over Personal Preference
The Family Law Act 1975 puts the child’s best interests first. The two primary considerations are:
- The benefit of having a meaningful relationship with both parents.
- The need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm.
- While a child’s wishes are relevant — especially as they mature — they are just one factor among many.
Exposure to Parental Conflict
High levels of tension between parents can make a child dread transitions between homes. Even if arguments don’t happen in front of them, children often sense hostility and can feel pressured to take sides.
Lifestyle or Routine Preferences
A child may simply prefer the lifestyle in one home — perhaps it’s closer to friends, has fewer rules, or offers more activities. While these reasons may seem minor, they can fuel resistance.
Safety or Comfort Concerns
Sometimes refusal is rooted in genuine fear, discomfort, or past negative experiences. These could involve direct harm, harsh discipline, or feeling emotionally unsupported.
Influence or Alienation
In some situations, a child’s view may be shaped — consciously or unconsciously — by one parent’s comments or actions that undermine the other. This is where the concept of parental alienation can come into play.
Reviews
The Role of Age and Maturity
There’s no set age in Australia where a child can legally refuse time with a parent. Instead, the court looks at:
The child’s age and maturity
The reasons for their views
Whether their views are consistent over time
Whether the views are free from undue influence
For example, a 15-year-old who articulates clear, consistent concerns about travel time, school commitments, and relationship strain may carry more weight than a 7-year-old expressing “I don’t feel like it.”
Court Expectations for Parents
Courts expect both parents to:
Encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent (where safe)
Avoid negative talk about the other parent
Facilitate transitions respectfully
Seek help early if refusal becomes persistent
Failing to do so can result in the court finding that you’ve breached the parenting order.
Case Law Examples
Case Example 1 — Age and Strong Views
In one matter, a 16-year-old refused time with his father due to ongoing arguments and a lack of trust. The court found his views were mature, consistent, and unlikely to change, so the orders were varied to reflect reduced time.
Case Example 2 — Younger Child Influenced by Parent
A 9-year-old began refusing to see her mother after living primarily with her father. Evidence showed the father had made repeated negative comments about the mother. The court found parental influence at play, ordered counselling, and gradually restored time with the mother.
Case Example 3 — Safety Concerns Upheld
A 12-year-old resisted overnight visits with her father, citing verbal aggression and unpredictable behaviour. Independent reports confirmed her anxiety and the father’s lack of insight. The court limited contact to supervised day visits.
Practical Steps for Parents
Keep Communication Positive
Even when you disagree with the arrangements, speak positively (or at least neutrally) about the other parent. Children often feel conflicted loyalty — your attitude can either ease or intensify that.
Avoid sarcasm, backhanded comments, or subtle criticisms in your child’s presence. Instead, model respectful communication so your child feels safe maintaining relationships with both parents.
This approach also shows the court you are actively supporting the child’s right to a meaningful relationship with both parents, which can help if disputes escalate.
Investigate the Reasons
Don’t dismiss your child’s refusal outright. Gently ask open-ended questions to understand their concerns. Give them space to explain without judgment or interruption, and avoid immediately defending yourself or the other parent.
Sometimes the reason could be simple — like a scheduling clash with a favourite activity — but other times it may reveal deeper emotional or safety issues. By showing empathy and taking their concerns seriously, you build trust and make it more likely your child will open up in the future.
Seek Professional Help
Child psychologists, counsellors, or family therapists can help children process their feelings and communicate them in a safe environment. Their insights can also be valuable in court. Professionals can spot patterns of anxiety, fear, or influence that might not be obvious to parents.
They can also suggest gradual reintroduction strategies or therapeutic interventions that meet the child’s emotional needs. Involving a neutral expert demonstrates to the court that you are proactive and focused on your child’s well-being.
Maintain Compliance
Keep trying to follow the court order while you address the underlying issues. Demonstrating good faith efforts protects your credibility. Make reasonable attempts to facilitate visits, such as arranging transport, adjusting handover locations, or offering solutions to ease your child’s resistance.
If the child still refuses, document your efforts so you can show the court you acted responsibly. Persisting with compliance also reinforces to your child that the arrangement is important and supported by both parents.
Document Everything
Record dates, the child’s stated reasons, and your actions to encourage compliance. If you need to return to court, this evidence is vital. Keep your notes factual and avoid emotional language so they remain credible in legal proceedings.
Include any text messages, emails, or communication with the other parent about the refusals, as well as records of attempts to resolve the situation. Detailed documentation creates a clear timeline that can help the court or mediators understand the full context of the problem.
When to Return to Court
- You may need to seek legal advice about returning to court if:
- The refusal is long-term and deeply entrenched
- There are genuine safety concerns
- You suspect the other parent is actively discouraging time
- Counselling or mediation has failed
- The court can vary orders, mandate counselling, or change living arrangements if necessary.
Gradual Reintroduction Plans
- Courts sometimes approve a “step-up” approach:
- Start with short, supervised visits
- Move to unsupervised day visits
- Progress to overnight stays
- This approach works well when trust needs rebuilding or when the child’s anxiety is high.
Avoiding Common Mistakes
- Don’t ignore the problem — Refusal rarely fixes itself.
- Don’t retaliate — Withholding the child entirely can be seen as non-compliance.
- Don’t involve the child in adult conflict — They should not be messengers between parents.
- This approach works well when trust needs rebuilding or when the child’s anxiety is high.
Your Legal and Emotional Toolkit
- Legal Tools:
- Apply to vary parenting orders if circumstances have changed significantly
- Request the appointment of an Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL)
- Use court-ordered counselling services
- Emotional Tools:
- Stay patient and consistent
- Use neutral language when discussing the other parent
- Support your child’s friendships and activities in both homes
- Case Study Insights:
- Courts respect older children’s views when they are reasoned and consistent.
- Refusal linked to parental influence is taken seriously and can lead to a change in primary care.
- Safety-based refusals are prioritised, but evidence is essential.
A child’s refusal to spend time with a parent is a complex and emotional issue — but one that the law approaches carefully. Your role is to support your child’s well-being, respect the legal framework, and seek solutions that maintain healthy relationships where possible. By staying proactive, respectful, and evidence-focused, you can navigate this challenge in a way that serves your child’s best interests — and protects your own legal standing.