If you are in immediate danger, call 000 now. If the device you are reading this on is not private, come back to this on a friend’s phone or a library computer.
Now the answer. You can leave, and there is a safer way to do it than leaving on the day you decide. Leaving is usually the highest risk point in an abusive relationship, so the order you do things in matters as much as the things themselves. That is why the steps below start where they do.
Some people search for this as how to leave a toxic relationship. If that is the phrase you used, you are in the right place.
Nothing here assumes you should have gone sooner. Working out how to go safely can take a long time, and it usually happens quietly, while everything else in life carries on as normal.
How to leave an abusive relationship: what you do first
Three things, in this order. The order is the part that protects you.
1. Build the plan before you make a move. Decide where you are going, how you are getting there, and what you are taking. Then get copies of your documents out of the house: photo ID, birth certificates, passports and visa papers, Medicare and Centrelink details, bank and superannuation details, the lease or mortgage papers, prescriptions and medication, and anything you have already saved as evidence.
Copies, not originals, so nothing goes missing from where it usually sits. Where they go matters as much as taking them. Leave them with the person you trust, in a drawer at work, or in a cloud account you created on a device the other person has never touched, using a password you have never used anywhere else.
2. Tell one person the plan and the timing. Not a group chat, not a family thread. One person who knows the date, knows where you are going, and knows what to do if they do not hear from you. Support services can be part of this too, but they need to be contacted from a device that is safe to use.
3. Choose the window. A time when you are already meant to be out of the house, doing something ordinary. Work, school pick-up, a medical appointment, the weekly shop. Nothing about the day should look different to anyone watching.
That order exists because of what tends to happen at the point of leaving.
Why leaving is the most dangerous point
Separation itself can be the trigger. That sounds counterintuitive when leaving is the thing you have been trying to do for months, but it is the pattern I see in this work, and it is the single most important thing to plan around.
We know that when somebody tries to separate from their partner, then it all of a sudden can make things escalate, and it can be very dangerous for certain people.
Control only works while the relationship holds. When it stops holding, some people escalate to hold on to it, and that escalation can include physical violence where there was none before. So the plan has to assume the risk goes up, not down, at the moment you go.
Three things change because of that:
- Do not announce it. Not a conversation, not a note, not a final argument that clears the air. Telling them first hands over the timing, and the timing is the one advantage you have.
- Arrange the transport before the day. A ride you have already confirmed, or a car that is already fuelled and parked somewhere you can reach on foot. Not something you organise while you are walking out.
- Have the order application ready, not started afterwards. If you are applying for an apprehended domestic violence order, prepare it before you leave rather than after, so the protection is not lagging behind the move. None of this should hold you up if you are in danger. If it is not safe to wait, go, and deal with the order from somewhere you are safe: an order can be sought urgently, and police can be part of that.
Can you stay in your home instead?
There is an option here that exists only in law. The person using violence can be the one who leaves.
An apprehended domestic violence order can prohibit or restrict the defendant’s access to premises the protected person occupies. In plain terms, a condition can stop them coming to the home. Being the one who is abused should not have to mean being the one who packs up their life and starts over. It often is due to safety risks, but in some cases staying is possible.
Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW), s 35(2)(b).
The condition is only part of it. What makes staying workable is the support that goes with it, and NSW funds exactly that through Staying Home Leaving Violence. The program works with police to remove the person using violence, and helps with home security, finances and the legal process.
Be straight with yourself about whether it suits your situation. Staying in a home someone knows well, has keys to and can reach quickly is not the right answer for everyone, and the decision turns on the risk in front of you rather than on the principle. Talk it through with a support worker, or with AVO lawyers, before you commit to it.
Leaving when you have no money
This is the barrier people name more than any other, and it is a real one.
If you don’t have access to money, you can’t leave a relationship. And if you can’t leave that relationship, then your danger keeps escalating.
It is also the barrier that finally has a national answer behind it. The federal government put substantial investment into the Leaving Violence Program, which started on 1 July 2025 and is built to do the two things that actually get someone out: money, and someone to help plan the rest.
What it gives eligible people:
- Up to $5,000 in support, with up to $1,500 of that in cash and the rest in goods and services.
- Safety planning, risk assessment and referrals for up to 12 weeks.
- Access regardless of gender, sexuality or visa status, subject to the program’s eligibility check.
Applications go through the national provider on 1800 253 283, 8:30am to 5:30pm on weekdays, and the provider sets out how to apply. It is not a crisis line, so if you need help right now, use the numbers further down this page or call 000.
Two practical things alongside it. Open an account at a bank you have never used together, with statements going to an email address the other person does not know about, and be aware that controlling your access to money is itself a form of financial abuse. And get advice on your property settlement early rather than later, because decisions made in the first few weeks are harder to unwind than they look.
Staying safe on your phone and computer
Treat this as preparation, not paranoia. Devices are shared far more than people realise, and a plan can come undone through a setting nobody remembers turning on.
- Location sharing. Check what is switched on across your phone, your maps app, your photos and any family or friend-finding app. Turning it all off at once can be more noticeable than leaving it as is until the day, so decide which matters more in your situation.
- Shared accounts and family plans. Phone plans, cloud storage, streaming logins and email recovery addresses all leak information. Changing a password on an account they can reset is not a fix.
- Message and search history. Anything you look up, save or delete can be visible on a shared device or a synced one.
- Use a device they have never had access to. A friend’s phone, a work computer, a library terminal. For the parts of the plan that matter most, this is the safest option by a wide margin.
What the law can and cannot do for you
What counts as abuse legally
Broader than most people assume, and you do not have to wait for physical violence before you can act. Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), family violence is behaviour that coerces or controls a family member, or causes them to be fearful. That covers control over money, cutting someone off from family and friends, monitoring where they are and who they speak to, threats, and physical violence.
If you have read this far because something in your relationship does not sit right but you cannot point to an injury, that is not a gap in your case.
Apprehended domestic violence orders
An ADVO is a court order that sets out what the other person is not allowed to do. The detail on how one is applied for sits with our AVO lawyers, and the detail on the conditions an AVO can include sits on its own page, rather than here. The point for this page is the one above: an order can be the thing that keeps you in your home.
Coercive control
Coercive control has been a criminal offence in NSW since 1 July 2024. Two limits matter. It applies to current and former intimate partners, and it covers behaviour from that date onward, so a pattern that ended before then is not caught by the offence. It sits in the Crimes Act 1900 (NSW), and the NSW Government’s guide to coercive control and the law sets out how it works.
Now the honest part, because overselling this would not help you. Proving a course of conduct means an officer gathering and connecting a long run of small incidents, most of which look like nothing on their own.
It is a real major task for a police officer to do that, and I’m not sure if the system can deliver on that.
That is not a criticism of the officer who takes your call. It is a reason to keep your own record as you go: dates, messages, what happened and when. If a case is ever built, it is built out of that.
Family law
Where children are involved, the Family Law Act 1975 requires the court to consider what arrangements would promote the safety of the child and of each person who has care of the child, including safety from family violence. One sentence, but it is the sentence that shapes everything in the next section.
Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), s 60CC(2)(a).
Leaving with children
Leaving does not, on its own, put a parenting arrangement in place. Until there is an agreement between the two of you or an order from the court, nothing formal has changed, which is why the first weeks feel so uncertain and why people make decisions they later regret.
Safety is what the court weighs first, not who moved out. And a family violence order and a parenting order can sit side by side: getting protection does not mean giving up on the children spending time with both parents when that is safe to do so. The Federal Circuit and Family Court publishes its own family violence information on how the two systems meet.
If you are working out what the children’s week should look like now, or what to do if the other parent will not agree to anything, read about parenting arrangements after separation, which covers this in detail.
Where to get help today
Free, confidential, and available now:
- 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. National family and domestic violence counselling, 24 hours.
- Lifeline on 13 11 14. Crisis support, 24 hours.
- MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978. Support and counselling for men.
- Leaving Violence Program on 1800 253 283, 8:30am to 5:30pm weekdays, for financial support and safety planning. How to apply.
- 000 if you are in immediate danger.
If you are reading this outside NSW, the safety steps on this page are the same everywhere. What changes is the name of the order: a family violence intervention order in Victoria, a domestic violence order in Queensland, a family violence restraining order in Western Australia. 1800RESPECT will connect you to the service in your own state.
Where a lawyer fits, and where one does not
A lawyer is not your first call if you are in danger today. That is 000, then 1800RESPECT or a similar domestic violence service. A lawyer can help you with four things that decide how the next year goes: whether an order can keep you in your home, what the children’s arrangements look like from here, what happens to the money, and how to do all of it without handing over your timing.
You are not weak for finding this hard. Staying while you work out how to go safely is not failing to leave. It is planning, and planning can be what keeps people safe.
If you want to know whether an exclusion condition is realistic in your situation, or what happens with the children in the first week, that is a ten minute conversation rather than a retainer. Call us on 1300 614 732. No cost for that call and no obligation after it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to leave an abusive relationship: what is the first thing to do?
Build the plan before you make any move, and keep it safe. Decide where you are going and how you are getting there, get copies of your identity, financial and medical documents out of the house, and store them somewhere the other person cannot reach. Then tell one trusted person the plan and the timing.
Is it more dangerous to leave an abusive relationship?
Separation is often the point where risk is highest, because control stops working once the relationship ends. That does not mean you should stay. It means the leaving needs to be planned rather than announced: transport arranged in advance, an ordinary-looking window, and any protection order prepared beforehand.
Can I stay in my home and have my partner removed instead?
Yes, this is possible in NSW. An apprehended domestic violence order can prohibit or restrict the defendant’s access to premises you occupy, and the Staying Home Leaving Violence program works with police to remove the person using violence and helps with home security and finances. Whether it suits you depends on the risk.
How do I leave an abusive relationship with no money?
The federal Leaving Violence Program, which started on 1 July 2025, gives eligible people up to $5,000 in support, up to $1,500 of it in cash, plus safety planning and referrals for up to 12 weeks. It is open regardless of gender, sexuality or visa status. Apply on 1800 253 283 on weekdays.
Is coercive control a crime in NSW?
Yes. Coercive control has been a criminal offence in NSW since 1 July 2024. It applies to current and former intimate partners, and it only covers behaviour from that date onward. Proving a course of conduct is demanding, so keeping your own dated record of incidents matters.
Do I need a lawyer to get an AVO?
No, you can seek an order without one, and police can be involved in the process. A lawyer matters most when the order needs to do something specific, such as excluding someone from the home, or when the order sits alongside parenting arrangements and a property settlement.
